Fateful Findings: an oldie, but a so-bad-it’s-goodie

Ghosts. Magic rocks hidden under mushrooms. Book deals. Government corruption.

Fateful Findings is all at once many things, and yet somehow absolutely nothing at all.  The 2013 film, from bad-track-record indie director and star Neil Breen, garnered a small but prominent fan following after the sheer baffling incompetence of it gained internet infamy. Yet, it still remains a relatively unknown contender in the ever-growing list of worst films ever. And it really shouldn’t be like that. Because I feel like you really need to see this.

If you were somehow not already put off by its extremely small release and small-time director, the cover art itself should let you know what you’re in for. It features the three main leads staring directly into the camera in various positions cropped from the bust-up like a bad 80’s family photo, while decorative plumes of mysterious green energy and poorly copy-pasted laptop stock photos anoint the background around them. It is a fitting facade for what waits within. So how does the film start? Interesting question. I don’t know. I’ve seen this movie twice now and I still don’t know what’s going on. Supposedly, the film is about a guy finding government secrets with magic powers, but I’m assuming this premise was like the outline for a Mad Libs script: you just kind fill the rest up with random nonsense throughout.

After two excruciatingly long minutes of credits over industrial stock footage, there’s some kids. They’re in the woods, having a merry old time. One of them aggressively points his hands at a mushroom, which through an also excruciatingly long fade effect transforms into an ornate glass box. His companion, a girl addressed earlier as Mia, gives him an absolutely glassy, lifeless stare before proclaiming offscreen “It’s a magical day!”. Oh yeah, also there’s a shot of a ghost in there I guess. The kids take out an obvious gift-shop magnet, stating it’s “buried treasure” and then deposit some of Mia’s beads into the mushroom box before leaving, I guess as an offering to appease that ghost from earlier. Like I said, don’t quote me on that, part of Breen’s appeal is his awful direction in the name of making some deep, symbolic pseudo-intellectual statement the audience will never, ever get.

After that, we cut to present day. Said boy has grown into a man, Neil Breen himself, and gets into a car crash after being in a very dull conversation with his presumed indistinct-accented wife that, like many things, goes absolutely nowhere. As he is hit by the car, a man in a very fake ren-fair sounding cockney accent exclaims “I saw it! I’m a witness!” as if that’s a thing normal people ever say after seeing a guy get hit by the saddest, slowest-moving Rolls-Royce in the world. This takes us to a “hospital room” that judging by the venetian blinds and wallpaper is somebody’s basement spare guest room Neil has decided to goof around in. And then…  magic. He can suddenly walk again! And just… leaves. Leaves without a trace. Like a ghost.

I could ramble on further about the “plot”, but it’s really something that needs to be experienced, needs to be felt, firsthand. There’s a subplot about Neil’s book deal that not only leads to the comedic abuse and slapping-about of several very obviously broken laptops, but also the very quotable line “You know what? I don’t feel like I owe you any books. No more damn books!” Several times, coffee and beverages are spilt all over tables with complete disregard. There’s another subplot about Neil’s friends having their marriage fall apart over one’s devotion to his car. This results in the wife taking a gun to the garage and accidentally shooting him attempting to “shoot this damn car up full’a holes!”. He bleeds out on the floor from this, and she calls Neil playing it off as a suicide. Taking his friend in his arms, Neil launches into perhaps the most moving speech of our cinematic era. In the dullest monotone possible, as if this event was something as mildly annoying and mundane as missing the bus, he echoes flatly: “I can not believe you committed suicide. I can not believe you committed suicide. How could you do this? How could you have committed suicide?” ending with the almost sitcom-punchline close to his tirade, “I can’t getcha outta this one, Jim” There’s so many juicily bad moments that listing them all off here would just ruin the horrible guessing game while viewing of what terrible line read or badly-composited green screen effect lurks around the corner.

Fateful Findings is not a movie. It is a test. A teambuilding experience to create bonds never before felt between friends. When you suffer through this together with as many pals as you please, you all come out different, stronger than before. Fateful Findings will kill the boy in you and make it a man. That’s how bad it is. It’s also an excellent choice for those nights when you want to all watch something hilariously bad and Netflix is all out of cheap horror films. And why would you not? The full movie is now on Youtube for free in HD and available for free renting on Amazon Video and Google Play. No pricey theater tickets. No carpooling to the theater. Just a healthy helping of literally priceless terrible filmmaking that won’t cost you a dime.

So viewer beware, you’re in for a scare. And that scare is Faithful Findings, its’ mystical rock ghost, and the several unnecessary ass shots of Breen throughout.